2022-09-19 - 3:58 p.m.
Wow where do I even start? I've had so much on my mind lately, so much I can't stop thinking about. Life has been stressful and so much has got me frazzled. But that's not what this is about. No this is about you, I have not been able to get you off my mind for some time now and its driving me crazy. Its occupying so much of my thoughts I kinda think I'm a little crazy these days.
I can't stop thinking about you, ever since you reached out to me in June. I keep replaying that interaction, rereading the texts. I'm sure you think I couldn't care less but that's not true sadly. There's so many conflicting feelings, it plays in my mind how if I would have replied differently, figured out what you really wanted. Why you reached out to me, because I do not believe that made up story since I haven't been on any apps. I'm so confused by that contact, like where did that come from? My gut feeling is that you dated someone for the last year and a half and it didn't work out and what do you do? You come back my way. Like good one reliable fall back that I always was for you. It angers me tbh but also I tell myself maybe you come back because it always goes back to me. bullshit. i don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I want you to want me and I know I shouldn't, I hope you think about me, obsess about me, but I know you don't.
When you said you wanted to know if you were still blocked it let me know you had texted me when I had you blocked, then my mind went to when? why? I don't even know when you were blocked. Lets see, I blocked you in November 2020, after reconnecting and you ghosting me again, typical. Still it felt very unresolved, as was often the case for us. I think I mostly had you blocked for a good part of a year, maybe unlocking and reblocking every now and then. Why? Because i'm crazy. the block unblock thing is so fucking unhinged I realize that, and I know my faults in our dynamic and that was for sure one of them, acting like that so often instead of communicating with you. But you always made me feel so incredibly stupid for having feelings for you, like they were so one sides, no matter what you said, even when you would say otherwise, you would act in a way that made me feel that it was all in my head and that I was chasing someone and something that didn't give a damn. So my defense was always to block and retreat. I think I probably unblocked you sometime around last Fall, I was feeling lonely, I remember talking about it in therapy, but don't remember exactly when.
You hurt me in many ways, its very clear that the remnants of how you treated me still remain. Still I can't help but feeling like 'what if' sometimes, what if we made it work, gave things a real shot, what if it was just right person wrong time. I know that isn't true but still, it really haunts me.
Over the Summer there were so many times I was tempted to text you, you left things so open ended and to reach out if I ever changed my mind. I wrote out texts to you but never sent them, I wanted to, I wanted to know WHY. I guess I was hoping to hear you still wanted me, that you made a mistake, that you haven't gotten over us. And whether or not you said those things its irrelevant because I am not single. I hate how much I still think about you, it makes me so ashamed for so many reasons. It feels like a slap in the face to my current relationship, I know it would devastate him if he knew that.
He's a good guy, treats me so much better than you ever did, better than anyone ever has, truly loves me and that really means so much. And I love him too, but part of me has doubts, I do not know if I love him in the same way he loves me, if I am truly in love with him. In the beginning I think I was, and there have been moments where I've felt deeply connected to him, but sometimes I don't know, I just don't know if I feel THAT. That spark, the chemistry. What I felt for David. I hate that so fucking much you have no idea. I think about Allen sometimes, and I know I feel more for Darren than I did for Allen, its in a different way. But it isn't how I felt about David, or even Mike. I really hate comparing things.
But Darren is the most stable of a realtionship i've had, I don't doubt he loves me, except for a brief time when we broke up. I feel like we're past that now and I know he truly loves me and is in love with me, and that's why it hurts so much to think about ending this. I know I would be very hurt, because I honestly love him so much, I love the time we spend together, we have fun and I would miss him and that so much. But the doubts, lately they have been outweighing things, I don't know if we are on the same path in life. But hell I don't even know what path I'm on. But there are differences that are so big that its hard to deny, our views on things, our political affiliation, and his addiction, as much as I don't want to make it about that. It feels like there are compromises I will have to make for as long as I am with him, I will never be number one. And I don't want to be, I want his sobriety to be number one. But missing out on life because of it feels like a hard compromise to make for me in some areas.
Like giving up so many evenings he can go to meetings, will this be forever? On vacation, traveling, on an important night when I need him to be there. Will that always be an issue? This hurts to say, to think, to feel. And then its the thoughts ive still had for David, none of that is fair to him. When he's expressed feelings of insecurity it makes my heart heart because I know deep down I'm feeling these things.
I feel so many conflicting feelings lately. I'm a fucking mess. And David....I just want so bad to reach out to you, to have a conversation. Especially after seeing you on fucking Feabie. That shit almost enrages me I gotta say. I didn't expect to see you on there, I went to look to see if Zac was on there knowing he has a girlfriend and of course he was, shocker. Not really. In a way you are all the same type of man, someone who hides their shit, but I digress. When I saw you on there I froze. And I resisted looking at your page for weeks, and then it happened recently. you looked at mine. There's a 50/50 chance you recognized my page, I only have one picture of my torso, but I mean I feel like you knew it was me. It says Branford too, which you knew I lived in. I feel like you had to know. I looked at you page and you really have the audacity to say you're looking for something meaningful on there lol. Really? That has to be a joke. Maybe not though, maybe it was just ME you didn't want that with. That realization hurts gotta say.
I just want to pick your brain, I feel like I want some sort of 'closure' which makes no sense because its been years, there is no closure left to be had. If I didn't get closure by now I never will. But do I even want closure? No I don't think so, because I still think of you and me, I still fantasize about what a future with you would look like. I hate that so much especially when I have a partner who loves me, I hate that when I'm with him sometimes I'm having these thoughts. Its not fair to him, but I don't want to be alone, I don't want things to end because I know I'll be sad and lonely, and I hate that that is a big reason.
I feel like a terrible person for so many reasons, this is just one of them.