2020-05-21 - 11:24 p.m.
Boy where do I even start. I feel a lot of emotions these days. I'm going to try to make entries on here more often.
David. Its always about David the last few years. It used to be Mike but I guess the object of my insane infatuation has been shifted. Part of me is glad to not be in love with Mike anymore but fuck man, its always someone isn't it? This shit with David almost feels worse if that's possible. It also doesn't at the same time. With David there was so many unrequited feelings which I think has been part of the issue. Maybe there were feelings on his part, but probably not. But who knows. I can never tell. I can never distinguish what is truth and what is a really well thought out lie from him. He's honestly been one of the most emotionally manipulative people I've ever met. Mike was a mess and an idiot, and he was manipulative in some ways don't get me wrong, but David is a whole other level on manipulator. I've never met anyone like him.
There's so much I want to say when it comes to him and its all jumbled inside my head. I'll start with this last go around. I don't know why I thought things would be different. Maybe because he all but begged me for a chance to prove they would be. Lol should have known. Finding his facebook, while none of that surprised me it still stung a lot.
Seeing him with her, shit man. It brought up so many feelings in me. It made me feel so insecure. Whenever I would see one of Mikes girlfriends it would hurt but I knew I was prettier. Then again they were usually much fatter than me and it made me insecure in a different way. It made me feel like I wasn't fat enough as crazy as that sounds. Seeing David's girlfriend, she was gorgeous in a conventionally attractive way. Blonde, thin, long legs, pretty smile. Yale educated. I mean WOW. I felt so bad about myself in that moment.
It felt like I was good enough to fuck but never good enough to be his girlfriend. That this thin pretty ivy educated blonde was the type of woman he wanted to present to society as his girlfriend as an attractive man, but he was ashamed to ever do that with me. Do you know how much that hurt? How big of a knock to my confidence that was. ESPECIALLY knowing the very intimate details of what he likes sexually. It blows my mind. You want to fuck and fetishise fat woman on the down low but date thin woman for society. Cool, read you loud and clear. That alone should be enough for me to see what a truly terrible person he is. But yet it wasn't. And I STILL can't get this piece of shit off my mind and I hate myself for it.
Our dynamic has been toxic as HELL the last few years. I mean I thought shit with Mike was toxic but this has been next level. I don't know what it is I'm so attached to. When I break it down, I mean REALLY break it down there is nothing there beyond out sexual dynamic. Which is part of the problem. There never was anything beyond that. He never saw me as anything more than that. Every time he was roll up and try to apologize he would make it seem as if he wanted more than that but it never went there.
Lets start with last year. When we saw each other in October and hooked up, I knew that wasn't going to go anywhere. I was prepared for it to be just sex, I told myself that. And yet I still went bat shit when it went that way. I guess I wanted to be proved wrong? I don't know. That time we had sex was really different. It was the most fetish based sex we ever had. Our dynamic was always sexual, very sexual. Our dynamic up until that point revolved around this power play, submission on his part and dominance on mine. It was honestly something I never ever in a million years thought I would be into, not only into but grow to love. Fuck man I still think about some of those exchanges, the power play dynamic and masturbate. It was the most erotic thing I've ever experienced.
I love that dynamic between us, but that was a problem because it because the focus of everything. And that time we had sex things got even more intense. We lead up to it with sexting, lots of taboo topics. Honestly things I was very accustom to being in the fat community for so long but I realize things that were very very taboo for him and I realize he struggled with understanding his sexual desires in those ways. I know in my heart his desires and him coming to terms with them and how they relate to me sexually have been a big part in his hot and color behavior to me. Still no way an excuse but I'm so sure of that. And I wish he would have been honest with me about that but thats its own separate issue.
But that sexual encounter was different. This power play was different, it involved him really sexualizing me. my fat body, the feeder-ism dynamic that I think played a bigger part in his sexual desires than he ever wanted to admit. So after that naturally he ghosted me for a few weeks because that's what he always did. I still wonder if it would have made any sort of a difference if I confronted him on things, or when he did finally reach out to me two weeks later if I didn't blow him off and if I was just like 'Hey I've noticed you've pulled back from me. I know what we did was kind of intense and it feels like you're having a hard time coming to terms with things can we talk about it' but I really need to stop putting any blame on myself. I did nothing wrong. Pushing him a way after he ghosted me was a normal thing. I shouldn't have felt bad for it. He treated me like shit.
Then a few weeks later to randomly be like 'I'm seeing someone', man that shit fucked me UP. After months of telling me he didn't want a relationship, that he wanted to be poly or what ever bullshit he told me then bam he was seeing someone. I naturally LOST it and sending that message was one thing I will never ever regret. I kind of wish things would have ended there for good because that was shit he needed to hear.
I lost it on him, I called him on his bullshit, how he used me, fetishsized me, treated me like someone he just used, fucked and pushed aside. Everything I said was so spot on. And I said I needed to see him for who he really was and hate him in order to move on otherwise I always had this feeling in the back of my mind we could be together. I left things by telling him if he ever saw me on a dating app to swipe left- because that had always been a way we reconnected.
I really honest to God 100 percent thought that was it for a while. I never ever in a million years expected him to text me with a fake number in January. He said so much bull shit to me. Things I couldn't believe and looking back it all feels like one big manipulation. Begging me for a chance, saying how hurt he was that I thought he would use me like that. How he thought of me all the time blah blah. It was so fucking convincing. Which makes it hurt even more to find out he had been in a relationship since December and was already planning to move to Germany at this point.
I should have never said anything, I should have not answered, I replay that shit in my head all the time, that first text, I should have told him "I got your first text I just don't think we have anything to disguss. Please don't text me again" I WISH I said that. But I didn't and got hurt for the 35883434358th time.
Not even two days later that I let him into my life BAM blocked. For no reason, at least none I could think so on my end. Though finding his facebook cleared that up since he was in a fucking relationship. My guess is they broke up for a few days then got back together and I was ditched like trash, again.
Then what happens two months later. You guessed it. Old fall back here became the target when they broke up again. I really wonder if they broke up the same day he texted me, since after stalking his Twitter it looks like that was the day he went back to his porn streaming too. When I confronted him in January about changing his mind all he could offer me was that he 'thought i was the answer but I wasn't. that I symbolized something to him, the freedom to be himself' or some BS like that and I still wonder what the even means.
But anyway back to March, he fed me all these fucking lines again and like a fucking dumb ass I believed him, I let him in AGAIN. I almost deserve what i get at this point. I will say things were less sexual this time and it made things more awkward. We saw each other and fucked and it just felt meh. It felt really awkward and I don't know why, because we took away the sexual dynamic? Because he was already distant because he most likely hooked up with the yale girl the week before before she moved back to Germany? I don't fucking know anymore. I know damn well that was the 'friend' he helped pack that weekend and drove to the airport. I felt like a huge fucking idiot. When he texted me saying he was 'helping a friend' pack and driving her to the airport to move back Europe I was all "oh you're such a good friend! Have fun with your friend" Are you fucking KIDDING me?? He was no doubt fucking this girl while I was waiting for a text back. No wonder he was so weird and silent that weekend and shit changed between us.
I felt like a fucking idiot. All around. And I lost it, those last texts I sent i let it out. And I did what I do best, block. But not before getting the last word and calling him out on his bullshit. And all he could say back to me was two sentences. Not even an I'm sorry, you're right. I did that. Just a 'glad you said what you needed to say, this should give you closure' are you kidding????? I mean I don't know what I even expected. I shouldn't have expected anything. But still there is a part of me deep inside that wants him to prove he gave some sort of a shit about me. I don't know if he actually ever did, he probably didn't but I still want it. Which is why I keep debating about texting him.
Honestly him saying 'obviously it more complicated than that' NOT OBVIOUS. But like how??? How is it complicated? What does that mean? If I asked would he be honest and explain it, the truth? Or would it be more lies? Or would he just tell me to leave him alone. Does it even matter? Would the cold hard truth feel better, give me this unattainable 'closure' i've been searching for for years with this man? Probably not. Would the 'complicated' truth hurt me worse than just telling him what I thought of him, blocking him and never talking to him again? I don't even know anymore.