2017-01-17 - 2:05 a.m.
I'm feeling so many things. I'm just a ball of emotion. Confused, sad, angry, nostalgic, whistful, hurt....everything.
I have been thinking about Mike a lot lately. It always goes back to him- lord knows why. I wish I knew. I mean I kinda do. Really. My life is always such a mess, full of sadness and loneliness and I think the time I spent with him was the only time I was truly happy in my whole damn life. As sad as that is, and believe me because I know it's sad. I'm was such a short amount of time in comparison to my life, and honestly there was so many bad moments- how in the world can THAT be the best time of my life? 'Maybe it was my naivety I miss, my youth, innocence I don't know. Or just the feeling of being loved back by someone- something I have never experienced before or after that- again I realize how sad that is.
I don't know, but for what ever reason I always go back to him. Maybe I always will- that scares me a lot. These thought lately have been very intense, obsessive, intrusive. So much so that I'm having a hard time focusing on anything else. Work...well really work is all I have and I am grateful for that. I actually wish I wokr d more so I could distract myself.
Something pretty awful happened on New Year's Eve. It's like the universe wants me to always have the worst possible New Years Eves. I mean you know what happened- you were there. No need to reiterate. Ever since seeing his girlfriend I am so fucked up. I mean fuck. Really. Like realllyyyyyy? Why did that have to happen????? Like universe are you just trying to be mean. Maybe I deserve it for shit I've done. I guess.
It still hurt though. Like damn. To see he was with that girl- for that long. First of all it kills me because it was way longer then we were together which is just paInful. The whole thing just hurts. And it shouldn't. Because fuck man it's been YEARS. Like stop and get over it. But I can't. And I don't know why. And it kills me. Like low key I think I need to see a shrink about this shit. I was waiting for the bus the other day thinking about things and like legit had a panic attack. Like wtf stop!!!
Then asshol me thinks maybe there's a reason I can't let go. Maybe I'm suppose to hold on. But I know it's just me justifying shit. Like low key I really wanna reach out just so I can know. Just so I can stop the obsessive thoughts. But I know that we'll send me into a whole other place full of anxiety and sadness. And that's the last thing I need now. But I can't stop thinking about it.
Like sending a text, or fuck maybe an email. I don't do Facebook anymore so that's out. It's just so complicated though. And I know I shouldn't. But still it eats at me wanting to know what he wanted to get off his chest last year. It's legit a year later. There's a really good chance after a year he would be like 'wtf fuck off' or it was totally nothing and I'm over thinking it. It was a generic 'hope there's no hard feeling between us' type thing. I think on my heart I'm hopping it was a 'fuck I still love you' type thing when I know it wasn't.
I'm just so mixed up. I really almost wanna reach out so I can stop obsessing. I'm so conflicted because I know no matter what 100 percent I will be hurt and it will be the wrong choice.
I think what hurts me a lot is he go back with his ex. I think what if SHE is the love of his life, not me. What if she is the real deal. And I think fuck like I thought you didn't want me because you wanted to be with a guy. But no turns out it was just ME you didn't want.
Like why?!!!? Why. What is so bad about me, why couldn't you love me? Want me? It kills me. So fucking much. Ugh my heart it broken.
Part of me just kinda wants answers really. I want closure. Yes I know closure doesn't exist, and I know I've tried to get 'closure' so many times before. And honesty leaving it the all way we did was probably about as closed as closure I'll ever get. Like being told 'I don't feel anything between us anymore' is about we cut and dry as it gets. But yet it still isn't enough for me. I still want more.
What do you even fucking want?????!!! You're chasing something that doesn't even exist!!!!! You fucking moved to Boston to chance a feeling, to try to fill a void in your chest- and in some weird way you did. Like legit being in Boston was the happiest I had felt- probably since I was was with Mike. I don't know why or what it was about that fucking place. But maybe it was more about having friends- -and a fucking life man- something I don't even have now. So I don't know
I keep running, searching, looking for something. I don't know what. Maybe I need to get answers from him and I can at least put it to rest. But I feel like I've said this to myself many times before. It's deeper then that. You need mental help. Lots of it. But maybe you should just fucking contact him and get it over with.
See how I'm rationalizing wanting to do this? Sick I know. What would I even say? Something like 'Hi Mike, this is Robin. I know this is extremely random, been forever. I know you reached out to me like a year ago and I really wanted to say I was sorry for not replying to you. I guess I've just been trying to go over some lose ends in my life lately and felt like that was one of them...I just was having a rough time at that time in my life. So random and don't really have a point to this text, or expect a reply but it was on my mind and I wanted get it out of my system. Anyway I hope you're well. Sorry for being random. Hope life is going well for you.
No stop. Ugh just stop!'!!!!
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