2016-11-29 - 12:47 a.m.
Dear Mike,
Wow it's been forever hasn't it? I know this is super random but I guess I just needed to send this letter to you.
It's weird to think it's been almost two years since we've spoken. Crazy right? I hope you've been well. I've had lots of ups and downs myself but mostly in a good place these days. I wanted to apologize for not replying to you when you reached out to me earlier this year, was going through a rough time and just wasn't in a great place. I guess I've been thinking about that lately and thinking how you must think I hate you or something- or you must hate me. Either way I want to say I'm sorry.
I guess I've been thinking about a lot lately- you being on of those things. I think it's probably the holiday season, it always in a weird way reminds me of you. It was when we first met and we had some good memories around this time of year, some not so good ones too but ehhh lol.
I guess I just feel kinda shitty with the way we left things between us. After everything that was between us, after all we went through, all the years, to end like that and never speak again just feels all sorts of weird and kinda wrong. I don't know....I mean I meant what I said, honestly no hard feelings between us, but still it just feels kind of- icky? I don't know how else to put it.
You're probably wondering if I'm still in Boston- and the answer is no. And you're probably wondering why I was in Boston in the first place, because I'm sure you saw that on Facebook which was probably the reason you reached out to me- or not who knows. But yes I did live in Boston for a bit last year. I came back to New York for my mom but that's a long story. But I was in Boston for a while and truthfully miss it SO much! I thought about reaching out to you while I was living up there- it was strange, I worked in your area in the north shore quite a bit- again another long story, I was working for a catering company and traveled all over the area for events, did a few things in Peabody as well as Ipswitch which I know isn't far from you and thought- well I thought first man its so weird to be here- then I really did think about reaching out to you, saying hey. But truthfully I always stopped myself. For a lot of reasons, one of which being how we left things, in such a weird place where I didn't think it would be appropriate, or wanted to even say hey, and I guess I didn't want to look dumb....
Its been so long I figured I was the last person you thought about- and well that's probably still pretty accurate lol. I don't know- anyway the point is how we left things, it still bothers me. It will probably always bother me, that we could just pretend like we were no one to each other after everything. Truthfully somewhere in my mind I always thought we would still stay connected in some way, but I guess that isn't the case, or I guess it's not realistic in the long term. I remember once your mom said that to me too 'I think it'll always be this way between you two, you'll always find your way back into each others lives' and I think I thought that too for a long time- that thought always kinda stuck with me- even when we didn't speak for a long time, thought its been two years now so I think I kinda realize that that isn't true anymore lol.
I do still wonder what you wanted to get off your chest to me- I think about that a lot- and I know it was pretty shitty of me to not let you do so, but I was just going through a lot at that time and what ever you wanted to say, even if it was nothing in particular- it just felt like a lot of stress to me and gave me anxiety to think about so I just thought it would be better to not deal with it while in such a bad state of mind. And again I want to say sorry for that.
I guess I'm sorry for a lot of things, I don't know- the last time we saw each other I couldn't help but feel like I did or said something wrong, I thought about that for a while, in a weird way blaming myself. If I did- I guess I am sorry- and if I didn't well never mind lol. Your mind will just over think things to death when you've had nothing but time to think about something or someone.
Anyway I really do hope you're well, I hope you've figured out what it was that you wanted in life, what makes you happy. I know that was something of an issue between us the last time we spoke, and again I do want to say sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable about your sexuality. I thought about things a lot and to be totally and completly honesly I DO think it freaked me out a bit. And not because I'm homophobic- like I legit struggled with this thinking 'OMG am I horrible person for being bothered by this?' legit all the male friend I've ever had were gay as fuck so I knew it wasn't that lol- but it was honestly because it was you. So I'm gonna be blunt- at that moment in time I still had a lot of feelings for you, so if someone you still have feelings for is basically telling you that you want everything they aren't- IE another gender- that's like really oddly painful in a way I wasn't ready for for expecting. Strangely enough I've dated a few guys who are bisexual since then and it didn't bother me at all, go figure. Thought they weren't that serious and I think it probably goes to show the level in which I still had feelings for you- which is probably tmi but hey I might as well be totally honest lol.
Because like I think for the most part I thought I was over you, over us, I really did- and then all that came up and it was like 'surprise no you're not' lol so you telling me you were wanted to be with guys was like an odd punch in the stomach. It took perspective to realize that it was because I was still in love with you and that was why I felt like that. Truthfully that whole last time we saw each other was such a shit show its all a blur lol.
And like I appreciated you apologizing to me a few months later, but again after thinking about it you really didn't need to. You were honest about what you felt, what you wanted- you can't fault someone for honesty. And I think it took a situation like that to really see that no matter how I felt, even if I did have feelings for you still, we were long since over, the us that was 'us' in that present moment wasn't the same 'us' I was in love with, so in a weird way it was enlightening and eye opening, and I was and am glad it happened- it was what I needed to finally move on so I'm happy it happened.
But at the end of the day I do hope you're happy no matter what.
So yeah that about sums it all up- everything I had to say, everything on my chest. I hope you're well, and even thought it pains me the way we left things between us- as nothing- at the end of the day I can't help but feeling like maybe that's for the best. Because well truthfully I don't think we made very good friends when some level of romantic interest wasn't attached, and really I've never been one to be able to be friends with exes lol- I know you're good with that but I'm just not, its probably my low key jealous nature but I suck at it lol.
But just because we can't be friends doesn't mean I don't wish you well. I hope you're happy or find happiness with who ever makes you happy- male, female or otherwise. I hope you're family is well, hope your mom has been okay and in good health and staying out of trouble (lol) and I hope Moll has been good- I have her on LinkedIn (I have NO clue how that happened, it recommenced her to me at some point and I guess I added her? I don't even know lol) but I saw she got a promotion- awesome! huge congrats to her! Over all I just wish you and your family all the best and happiness, you guys will always be like family to me in a weird way in my head lol- if nothing else you're probably more like a brother then and ex.
Take care and be well!
xo
Robin
�
�
