2017-05-29 - 9:20 p.m.
I feel so many different emotions going on inside my head and if I don't get them out i feel like I'm gonna go crazy. Well I already feel like I'm going crazy but that's besides the point. Why the fuck do I always do this to myself? Am I always gonna be like this? It seems it and that scares me so much
Last time this happened it was an accident, this time- all me. I shouldn't have been looking for answers- what answers did you need fulfilled? As much as I hate to admit it to myself I know WHY I was and UGH I'm so frustrated with myself about it.
Let me back track. I don't think I ever really stop thinking about Mike, wondering about him, missing the past. But I was doing better. He would cross my mind and I would stiffle it. Or I would delude myself into fantasising about ulternate realities that I KNOW will never happen for a little bit, get it out of my system, lather, rise repeat. I was okay with that. But then every now and then something will come up that will force me to analyze things, force me to feel deeper, nostolgia will set in...I never know what or when that will be.
Let me back track a little further. I feel like I've been distant with friends from work for a while and depression has set in again (big surprise) whenever that happens my thoughts will instinctivly go back to Mike and I fucking HATE it so much. So that set it all in motion. Then it was a lot of things. Talking to coworkers about Boston and how much I miss it. I feel like I never got to get living there out of my system so it still nags at me. So that was already planted in my head latley. Then all the issues with my at home life, where I'm going to move to, what's going on, its all such a mess and forcing me to examine so much.
So that was all there. Then I see a stuuuuupid god damn Buzzfeed video. I mean REALLY?? I guess its true though what people say about 'triggers' honestly I never really 'got' it but I do now. This dumb as video was set in his town and the whole while watching it I got major anxiety and thought 'uh oh' yeah uh oh is right man! Then I started thinking about him more, about the town, thinking about the past.....and here we go.
I should have known and stopped myself but really I can't watch a fucking video about the town my ex lives in? Like yeaaaars later? UGH it's so frustrating! Also reactivating Tinder forced me to look at Facebook so there's that too. Just lots of weird feelings.
So of course I gave in and looked him up. The weird thing, I mean really weird is my first reaction upon seeing his page was 'omg embarrassed' because honestly he is very cringy. And my first reaction was like 'oh good I don't miss him this is creepy' I should have left it there, damn it I was I did. I couldn't see much on his page but oddly I didn't see any mention of her at all- granted very limited stuff I could see. But that promoted me to thing 'Oh guess they aren't together' yeah you shoulda stopped.
But no looked up her youtube and bam there they were from a few weeks ago. Man that hurt way more than I thought it would. His comment "I'm so in love" yeah kinda killed me. I of course regret looking for answers where I shouldn't have.
Honestly the reason I was as much as I don't want to admit it is because I was looking for a reason to reach out. Even though I'm not sure I ever would at this point. It's been so long...but I know part of me wants to and I was looking for validation that I should- so should take this is a huge NO. But still STILL part of me wants to. I'm sick and need help.
Like IDK...but from what I saw things seemed so one sided. I was looking at his FB and just by the way he posted things its like it just seemed to me like he wasn't as invested. But then I read his comment on her youtube and I'm like damn I'm wrong BUT I also know people post shit like that for show so IDK. IDK man. whatever is brewing in my mind I need to STOP.
I just can't stop all of these feelings. I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm depressed. All over again. Then its still nagging me to contact you STILL are you kidding? Like what? Honestly if I reached out and either A) didn't hear back B) heard back and he basically told me to fuck off I would be beyond crushed. and its likely those two things will happen. After I all but ignored him last year.
IDK man just stop. Hopefully writing this all out will get it out of my system. I just think a part of me really never thought he would be with someone for that long, longer than me. It hurts to think I'm not the love of his life anymore but I'm not and yeah that cuts like a knife.
It was somehow comforting thinking he was out there unfulfilled and bouncing relationship to relationship and that sounds SO selfish and mean but hey I realize I am very selfish so maybe this is karma.
The girls he's dated have always come and gone so easily I think the thing that' really hurting me is that she has been around a long time- longer than me even. Ouch, hurts to even type that. I gotta stop torturing myself and rehashing this. It's painful, I wish it wasn't.
Let not even get started on the whole him being bisexual thing, like that was SUCH a fucking huge deal for me and now I'm like HUH?? I saw a thing on his FB that said 'straight pride' and I was like WHAT??! I am so fucking confused. But I think that's just him honestly. Well I used to know him well enough to make that assessment now not really, but I do think I still know this. He goes through these phases maybe that was just one of them but like literally he broke my heart at one point for a fucking phase. Like him not wanting to be with me at that time was one thing and trust me woulda hurt enough on its own but the whole bi thing was a whole other blow.
Part of me truthfully is just straight up fucking curious. About a lot. Like WTF was that then if you're 'straight' now?! IDK man. And then the comment on her youtube 'look how far we've come' far from what? What issues? Because I'm legit over here imagining them happy as fucking pie for the last 3 years- even though I KNOW that's not the case because last year reaching out to me, why? Did he cheat on her? Did he play games with her the same way he did with me? Probably.
Honestly judging by the few small things I saw I would say yes. Were they as on and off as we were? I don't know. Man I just feel beyond out of control lately. Like stop thinking about these things, mind your business. Do you think he even so much as thinks about you? Ever? Ughhhhhh I don't know why but somewhere deep inside me I want to believe he does.
My mind is so fucked up man.
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