2012-08-20 - 6:58 p.m.
It's been so long since I made an entry on here. Maybe I should do it more often. I think I just need to get some things out- I usually blog my feelings on a forum I'm on but I really don't want anyone reading this. This needs to be between me and my thoughts. So I think I need to fully say goodbye to Mike- not just him but to the past and everything that we were. I know it's been so long since we actually WERE anything...but I've still held on to it, even though I have moved on a lot.
Part of me has still been in love with the memory of what was, with the past- a moment in time. It's been almost two years since we were over- though it was never straight two years. Last year there was a lot of confusion, you coming back into my life last Fall. A few times there I thought it meant something- that things could be, but honestly letting you back in was the dumbest thing I've ever done. So many times I replay the texts you had sent me after a long time of not talking and going back now I wish I never replied. Then again...maybe not, because each time I let you back into my life and my heart and let you go again it made it easier and easier to move on. This last time in March was the easiest- and thankfully the last.
But it's time for me to just fully let go. I'm not 100 percent- but honestly closer then I ever have been before. Seeing you for the last time in May and just ignoring you was in a way liberating. It hurt me a little bit, but it proved to myself that you no longer have the power over me. That I can pass you by and be okay. HUGE moment for me. And after then I just realize in order to let go, I mean FULLY let go, move on I need to move on in other ways. No more going to those events. That chapter in my life is CLOSED. It was detrimental to me in other ways too, but maybe that's reserved for another blog entry. Moving away from everything that is associated with you.
That means those events, even people, places- talking to your mom. That was a hard one. I always would stay in touch with her though email but I realized that wasn't doing me good either. And time for me to start a new chapter in my life. That chapter? Weight loss surgery. I know its weird to think how can the two things possibly be intertwined at all? What does moving on from an ex have to do with having weight loss surgery? The answer- SO much.
Truth is- I've always been fat and I've been okay with it the last few years ever since I found that crazy ass size acceptance world. I regret it. It changed the way I looked at myself and made me think I didn't have to try to be healthy, I could just be fat and that would be fine. Wrong. I'm not healthy now- more so then ever. And it lead me to you- a guy who liked fat girls. Truth is, I was naive and stupid when I met you. I was an insecure girl growing up most of my life- you were literally the first boy who ever gave me a compliment, who made me feel good about myself.
In a way I think that's why I've been so in a way infatuated with you for so long. You were my first 'crush' who ever actually liked me back. Then years later you can back into my life and I felt like it was a cinderella story- only it wasn't. It was the story of a girl who was always insecure with herself because of her weight so she settled for the first boy who paid her attention and made her feel good. And the story of a boy who wasn't actually some amazing guy, but a screwed up equally if not more so insecure boy who seeked attention from girls who were insecure with themselves. Yup that about sums it up.
I'm not saying you never really did care for me- you did- but I realize now your game. You would, and I'm sure still do seek out the girls who are overweight and so starved for attention that they fall for your crap. Only I know I was different- despite being insecure with myself for years I had finally come to a place- thanks to the warped teaching of the fat acceptance world- but I had finally come to a place where I was confident in myself. I wasn't the typical girl you dated. Maybe that's why you did actually fall for me.
At the end of the day I do know you cared about me, and I do know some day you'll look back and realize I was the best thing you ever had because you are never going to find another girl who cared as much as I do. You started to realize this last year- I know your family realizes it- and you will too. Because you were honestly an awful boyfriend, and not a good person. Why I stayed with you beyond the first week of getting to know you I will never understand.
Its a lesson though. And the lesson has finally ended and I learned a lot. So this is the time where I start fresh. I'm having weight loss surgery in about a month and a half. I'm excited to start life over. To one day meet someone who loves me for ME- not because I'm someone's fetish, or because my insecurities made me settle for them...but because they like my personality and we have things in common. And it will happen.
Though with this change I have to say to myself- you know that when you lose weight your chance of ever having anything with this boy again is impossible. A part of me, however tiny it is always still thinks 'maybe one day' even though I know it's not going to happen. But I've been in the position of saying 'Me and him are never happening again' and then we wind up reconnecting like last year. Even though I do know this time is different- my mind frame is different. But I still- even a tiny TINY bit, in the shadiest corner of my mind have that thought. But I know with weight loss surgery that thought will be eradicated.
Even though you may have sought out fat girls because of your insecurities and theirs you were actually legitimately attracted to that. So me being fat no more is almost like sealing my fate of never ever being able to go back to you. I struggled with that a tiny bit in the beginning, but now I feel it's even more reason to do it.
And the last few days I've been a little nostalgic. Your mom getting in touch with me- I wonder if talking to her was the right thing, finding out you were finally selling the house. You were moving into the condo, the condo we used to say we were gonna share at one point. I don't know how to feel about it all. But I think it's more of a reason to just go and move on with my life. Have surgery and start a new chapter- with out you.
So this is my way of coming to terms with it all- saying goodbye. Goodbye to what we had, goodbye to that old house of yours- where we first said I love you to each other....goodbye to the memories there. And goodbye to the prospect of ever having anything with you again. And I'm honestly okay with it all. New fresh start, here i come.
GG
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