2009-11-27 - 1:07 a.m.
Wrote this on Sunday- copying and pasting....
How can you be in love with someone you've never met? That's the question I ask myself as I write this. I don't even know anymore, my feelings are just all over the place. I talked to Mike today again on IM and we had kind of an important conversation. So we talked to about New Years Eve and I said I was gonna try to come which I want to I just had to make sure I had enough money for a room. And he basiclly offered to pay for the room, or split it with me which is just so amazingly sweet! So I said we could split it and he said 'Okay we'll split it but you have to promise you'll let me take you out to dinner' and I said 'I'd love that.' He just makes me smile so much. So I'm really really really considering going and being with him. I'm really nervous for so many reasons. What if it's weird? What if we don't click in person? I'm liked him for SOOO long I just couldn't take that. I just want him so much. And then there's the fact I'm scared to sleep with him because I'm a virgin and I don't know how to tell him that. I mean I've done stuff which was a total and utter disaster- but like IDK how to be like 'I'm a virgin' so IDK. But I know I really like him a lot and I AM JUST SO MIXED UP!
And then our convo today also revealed how much I feel for him, and I think today for the first time I started to realize that MAYBE he does feel the same way for me. I mean I think before I just thought he might have been playing me and maybe said this stuff to all the girls, but he just seemed sincear today and I just really think I can see that he really does feel the same way about me and it's not JUST me. He says things like I 'flew into his heart' because my name is Robin and all and he was like I know its cheesy and I don't think its cheesey- I think its so incredibly sweet and just makes me smile SO big!
So yeah- that was Sunday- but more stuff has happened since then. Well back to Sunday for a minute, there was a conversation that went on on Sunday that I think was so important for us. It was the first time I really started to admit to him just HOW much I felt for him. Basically IDK- it was a few days ago so I am paraphrasing, but we were talking and I signed off- and then he messaged me something that was just so amazingly sweet I couldn't DEAL with it! He said something like- I know this is cheesy, and its not Christmas yet, but talking to you again is the best Christmas present I could ever get, but to be with you would be a little better, but your the best Christmas present to my heart' and I seriously read that and almost cried. I told him it was the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me, and I told him he was amazing. I basicly said that I cared about him so much that it scared me because we've only been talking such a short time. Then we talked again on IM we talked about what I said, and he just told me how much he wants me, and wants me to be his girl, and how he wants to be there for me. And I said I wanted the same thing. When he said this stuff it just kind of hit me like BAM that I feel he isn't playing games with me.
I mean I don't know- there is still that 5 percent part in me that feels like maybe he tells all the girls this stuff, and that I care more then him, but then he'll just say stuff that make me want to believe that that's not true. IDK. I am kind of mixed up. I mean I do know how I feel about him- well kind of. I mean I know I have feelings for him- the extent of those feelings IDK. I don't know if I want to say the L word....but honestly I think I might be in love with him. But then again I have to ask myself- is it him, or is it the idea of him I'm in love with? IDK....IDK anything lol. I just am going to swear to myself that I'm not gonna use the L word until we've met and have had time to connect in person....and IDK if I want to even bring the L word up to him, I'm gonna feel it out and see.
But anyway....IDK....we text ALL THE TIME. I'm attached to my phone, and I've gone through SO many minutes its CRAZY, but I dont even care, thats how bad I have it lol. And we just text all the time- kissy faces to each other, and he makes me smile so much when I see a text from him. Just something like 'Thinking of you'- it just makes my whole day better! So the other day we were texting and I was saying I didn't feel good, and he said how badly he wanted to be there to take care of his 'sexy nurse' which is what he calls me lol- because when he was sick I said I wanted to take care of him and yeah....the nurse thing started lol. But then yesterday he called me. When I saw him number as a call, I got SO many butterflys, I almost couldn't breathe, but I answered and I just felt so comfortable with him. We only talked for a short time, and he basicly just said to me he wanted to tell me Happy Thanksgiving and that he wanted to be here for me to take care of me- and I said aww- and seriously that just made my whole day!
We talked for a short time, and he texted me and told me he was shy, but really I thought he was adorable! Which I did. I think he was nervous, and the fact he was nervous made me believe that he really does care as much as I do. IDK....AHHHHH! And today he sent me texts telling me Happy Thanksgiving and how thankful he was for me. I just cant take him sometimes- hes so amazing- and just too good to be true, and I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure this is real, but it is, and honestly....and I can only admit this here, but....I know I am in love with him and it scares the fucking shit out of me.
So I kind of told Erica and Steven about him- well mostly Erica because she didn't know. IDK....she didn't give me any good advice really. IDK how to take her advice anyway because she basicly told me she just cheated on this guy she is with- also named Mike- so IDK. But I kind of had a feeling she was a little jealous of my situatuon which is crazy because I have waited SO long to be with ANYONE. See major difference between us is I refused to settle. I am not in it for sex- it is SO much more then that for me, and I think I found that here- at least I really hope so. But for her its not like that. I told her some of the stuff mike said to me- like saying I was the best Christmas present he could get, and just all the sweet stuff he tells me, and she just looked kinda sad and said 'guys don't tell me stuff like that, they just ask stuff like -when are we gonna do it?-' and I'm like...IDK....and she added more into her story with Mike and a part where he told her he loved her, and I kinda felt like that part was fabricated. IDK I don't want to....but I do. I've heard her lie enough in my life to know. And i honestly love her TO DEATH, but IDK....
But I guess how can anyone else be happy for me here when I'm still so unsure on stuff, but all I know is Mike makes me happy- happier then I've ever been before. He tells me I mean the world to him and stuff like that- and it just makes me smile SO MUCH. I can't even deal with it! I just want people to feel happy like this!
We'll see what happens. There is also something else bothering me- Mike was bored and basiclly made a video on Myspace. In it, he mentioned how just some girls on Myspace can be skanky and he would rather see girls with clothes on, and girls with class and basicly to keep your clothes on and stuff which I so agree with, but then I feel like my past is gonna come back to haunt me. I mean I am NOT a girl like that, but I am part of a BBW paysite although it was only a guest modeling thing and only a few times, but still. I just got scared and I just like him SOOO much I dont want this to in ANY way hinder things between us. IDK- I mean after what Matt said to me- that he was glad I didn't do stuff like that- it got me SO paranoid now! IDK....I mean I don't know how to just come out to Mike and be like 'Hi....I modeled for a paysite a few times...' but I dont want to hide it either. I mean shit he is bound to find out if he goes to visit one of those porn sites. IDK....Im not gonna mention anything now, but eventually- especially if we get serious I KNOW I need to.
AHHHH- SO mixed up here!! Oh and then to top it off- Brett sent me a text the other day that said 'Hey skinny girl' lol- so didn't answer. He seems nice but I dont want to gain weight and I'm not just looking for a good time like I know he is. IDK....Enough about him....lol- Mike is where my mind is these days. Just need to see what comes of it. Until I have more to write(and I'm sure I will soon LOL)
Glitterigurl
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