2022-11-03 - 3:55 p.m.
Let me count all the ways i'm a bad person lately, there are many. Let me start by saying I feel fucking unhinged lately. Totally insane. The shit I'm doing is unhinged.
Darren and I broke up mid-September because of his relapse. That was difficult, insanely difficult. I almost think him losing what I did with this relapse affected more then him. I still get sad driving by his old place in Hamden because it felt special to us, the time we shared there together. It was sad to lose those things. To see him lose that. He feels like he's recovered from it but that is not the case.
After the relapse things were rocky for us. we separated because I don't see how he could be a good partner when he needed to focus on getting his life back on track. The problem was he felt he was back on track after a week, which is not the case. That's not possible. To jump back into what we had after one week was insane. A week or two later we tried to make things work between us- and quickly realized, or I quickly realized I should say, that this wouldn't work. We could not just 'be' like we were, he said he needed to not rely on me so much, to spend less time with me, put limits on us. That felt terrible and not what I wanted out of a relationship. So I ended it, I walked away. And we tried to be friends, except it was too soon and that was too painful.
Maybe we didn't get it enough time idk but that felt awful. And then we took a large step back from us, from communication even platonically. And I think something strange happened. As time went on I became okay, but as time went on his was not. I do think that had that been given more time I would have been okay. I went on a date with someone and it was not good, but it felt good to get out there. He also told me he went out with a coworker, and while I think that made me very jealous i think I would have been okay with it. We stayed in this weird grey area for a week or two until he told me his coworker wanted to hookup with him and asked me if we were together. I said no, but he said it still felt like we were. That we could work on ourselves and be together. He said he didn't want to be with anyone else and wouldn't jeapotize us. And I just let him say all that, neither agreed or disagreed.
Somewhere in the middle of this, on a particularly bad mental health day, while Darren and I were not speaking I became very unhinged and decided- now would be a great time to text David. I really have no idea what I was expecting or wanting there. Well I actually think I know, I wanted validation, I wanted attention, someone to make me feel okay. He always was amazing at making me feel desired, until he wasn't and made me feel the opposite. But the risk of even a fraction of that feeling at that time was what I needed.
Of course I did to some extent get that from him, as I knew I would. I guess part of me wanted him to fight for me, say he wanted me etc- which he didn't actually do which ehh I probably would have liked more. Then I think part of me was like fuck it lets use this as a sounding board to get all these past feelings of hurt out there and I did. And not gonna even lie it felt really good. Really really good. And then somewhere down the road he hit me with the potential for something between us. I should have shut that down because DUH. Like hello? But I didn't, because why would I? I wanted to keep that option open, and lets be honest, him telling me that made me feel like he desired me, which was my original intention with talking to him.
So we continued to talk, send pictures of each other, and eventually flirt. As much as he said he changed- that he wanted things to be not sexual I knew they would go that way with him, they always did, Its something I have hated but also relished for the last 5 years. I have never felt this insane sexual chemistry, passion, desire, want, lust, attraction, need for someone ever. Its scary, and crazy, and even typing this I feel unhinged and out of control. Again. This man has become like a fucking drug for me and I hate and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm the one who relapsed- on David. I hate it.
As we talked we talked about meeting up. That made me nervous but also excited. But then Darren and I began to slowly reconnect. And I have felt like the most awful person the past few weeks for this. I feel truly awful for hiding things. Am I cheating? Idk because we are not technically together- even though we kind of are. I don't want to lose that, its hard to lose that and I love him- but what I feel for David as fucking unhinged as it is, its like I can't let it go.
David and I made plans to meet up and I felt like the most awful person leading up to it. But also extremly excited to see him. I've never felt such mixed emotions. The meeting upself felt confusing. The chemistry and sexual tension was there from moment one. The second I saw him I was like FUCK. I don't know what it is about him that I can not control myself with. Sitting next to him, on a cozy little couch in a wine bar, it felt very intimate. And in many ways it was the first time I felt like I actually saw him, he honesly WAS more open with me which for a bit made me feel like hmm maybe things ARE different this time, maybe things have changed. But since then hes become distant again so LOL doubt that very much.
Its like as much as this man says one thing he still does another. Still. And thats why I can never trust him for consistancy. I will never ever get that from him. There is no way I can choose that, that's not what I want either. I might not want a life with Darren, his instability with recovery, but I do not want David's instability more. Because I have never ever questioned when I stood with Darren ever, he's never made me feel undesired or like shit in the ways David has.
The thing with David is there is always this fucking unexplainable sexual energy, and I think it might just overshadow everything else. There's no doubt sexually its a 10/10 but is it anything more? Even trying to go into things without that sexual dynamic this time it was still there strong as shit. It it possible to be too sexually attracted to one another and not be able to have anything beyond that? Idk, I never really knew that was a thing but I'm starting to think so, that it's just not possible to have anything beyond that between us. And I need to just make fucking peace with that and say okay and let shit go. Because I can't just have a sexual relationship with him, its too hard because I do want more- even if more just isn't a thing that can happen. I hate it. its confusing.
Because it actually DID feel nice to spend time with him, and get to know him. But it also felt kind of weird and awkward, I don't know if that was just me reading into it that way, or maybe my paranoia of Darren and feeling like I was cheating. Maybe I was, I feel like I am and I feel like a shit person for it.
But after spending time with David idk, I was torn tbh. As much as he said he wanted to see me again he didn't seem very enthusiastic about it and I have barely talked to him this week, I feel like I should just let it go and let things fade out between us. But damn that sexual energy though, kissing him felt fucking electric. I can't control myself, kissing him lead to more than I wanted to and next thing I know his hand is down my pants and i'm stroking his dick. It was so hot though, so fucking hot. And this is why I don't think we can be. How can I ever be wholesome or have a non sexual connection with someone like this??? And I think he deep down feels this way too. I think he's always felt this way and I'm just kind of catching up to this rationalization.
I am not going to text him, I know he will reach out again but I just really am starting to think this answered some questions for me I had internally that I needed answered. We are not compatible beyond sex- that's okay- but I need to get that through my head.
As for Darren, idk I feel like an awful human being for this, keeping things from him. The guilt is there. Personally I think we have been doomed for a long time because of other things I've held back that I don't want to get into right now- but I can't be with him long term either for these reasons.
I think I need to be alone for a while, start from scratch, find peace with myself. My theripist says this is what I need and I agree with her, I know I need to be alone, but I don't want to be.
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