2018-12-28 - 12:16 a.m.
This is just me venting but I need to talk to someone. I need to get shit out and say my piece so I can finally- hopefully move on.
First off, David. Fuck man, I really truly wanted shit to work with him so fucking much. I kind of am at the point where I don't care as much anymore. Sure it still stings and hurts a little but I know had this been before I would be in a deep rooted depression. Now I'm just like okay and accepting. It seems like everytime he says shit will be different it never is. When he would come around and we'd fuck he's go distant on me. I'm done this time, done trying.
After the last time we saw each other he went MIA again. And then tried to pop back up with the 'sorry i've been MIA shit' nah dude fuck that. But I still talked to him. But it was different and off. Didn't feel right and I should fucking LEARN to trust my gut but still I didn't. We would play this 'hey hows it going' text shit for days. It rlly bothered me he didn't even see how I was when my mom was going through her procedure until days later. Like damn dude. Maybe its just me but I would text someone to tell them I was there for them, thinking of them, hoped they were ok. But nope. And even if that's just how he is you know what I can't deal with that. If I were to be involved with someone like that and they didn't do those things for me it would make me feel awful in a relationship so nope.
And then popping up out of the blue with selfies like da fuq? I think I've been blinded by my sexual attraction to him but I think to him thats all I am. That hurts but it is what it is. Couldn't even wish me Merry Christmas like wow. And I know he's off this week. Then I'm like maybe he thought I was being distant because he texted me last but NO because it was weird and awkward and we hardly talked long before that. So I'm really done this time. GOD help me I am. I can't keep doing this. It feels like Mike 2.0 except dare I say this is worse because I did feel as fucked up as Mike was he did love me in his own way. David def doesn't. He loved having sex with me and that's it. But I'm SO much fucking more than that dude.
So during all of this and being all fucked up over David something happened. I hooked up with Rob. I def didn't see that coming. I've been attracted to Rob since i first met him in like May. I thought we kinda hit if off that night too and Jena was even like I thought you guys would hookup but we didn't. Fast forward to us matching on bumble and I was like oh shit. I def thought about fucking him, he's exactly what I like. Usually when I fantasize about someone and build up a sexual crush it never actually happens so for this to happen was kinda cool lol.
I admit when he hooked up with Kristen I was kinda jealous. More in a 'lucky bitch' way lol. I did feel bad for him when she blew him off but in a weird way I was like 'hmm maybe....' but kinda let that go. Like idk I know nothing will ever happen beyond a fuck which I'm cool with but I like him as a person and a potential friend. He's the only one who cleans up after parties with me LOL like its me and him at 2am cleaning up and I don't know how that became our thing lol.
So anyway after the ugly sweater party he was talking about his souped up truck and how he can go like 160. Some how it lead to him asking if I wanted to go for a ride and after being super reluctant I agreed. Def didn't expect things to go like that. So there we were at 2am. Went for a ride, came back and everyone was sleeping. I wasn't even drunk anymore, tired sure, drunk nah lol. So we got some waters and went upstairs. I don't really know how we decided to talk. I think he asked me when I moved upstairs or something and I mentioned Carissa. I looked at his bed- well the bed he sleeps on upstairs and I was talking about how I made it for him, he asked me if I was the one who always fixed it for him and we laughed and I said yes and then I said it was super comfy and I slept on it before and he held out his hand like 'be my guest' and I was like okay.
I think I had split second like hmm where is this going but I shrugged it off and figured he just wanted to talk. IDK what we talked about. The house, carissa, when I moved upstairs, his rock trip. I don't even know how it led there. I think he said something like 'I'm getting so excited talking about rocks' and laughed and I was like ' I mean I'm sitting here listening to you talk about rocks' and then he was like 'well we did match on bumble' and I was like 'yeah I wasn't gonna bring that up I wasn't sure if that was weird' and he was like 'yeah I wasn't sure what you were looking for so I wasn't sure either.' So maybe I lied a little I think I said I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Maybe I did and maybe I was looking for something serious but a) I knew he wasn't so I steered it there intentionally b) I DON'T actually think I know what i'm looking for anymore.
So I guess saying that made him think oh okay she'd be open to something casual. I was pretty awkward at this point and its an embarrassing blur with me saying i 'didn't know' and then he said something like 'I mean I think you know what's going to happen' and I was like 'What?' like a damn turd and then he kissed me and I remember thinking holy shit is this happening? Because like I've had a lot of sexual crushes but this shit never fucking happens I swear.
So then we spent a minute asking 'is this awkward' and I wasn't sure if it was or not. But fuck man I wanted to fuck him. Like I knew we'd never date or anything but I think I kinda needed that shit especially after David. Soooo awkwardly long story short we hooked up. He couldn't fully fuck because he drank a lot which is what ever. But then he kinda kept alluding to wanting to hookup again. He said something like 'I think we can have a lot of fun, am I wrong?' or 'that something was there' meaning sexually and I mean I guess it was. I was like 'lets just see what happens. I can't really say yes or no at 4am' I think I was just more concerned with the awkwardness or Kristen and then Jena and Brandon. We kept saying 'is this as awkward as I think' and I mean I guess we thought it would be more awkward but idk. Now thinking about it I don't want him to think it was too awkward for me to wanna do it again, i was just anxious but it wasn't a problem.
It was nice to actually be held. I mean I know it didn't mean anything but man it kinda made me realize that this dude who kinda just wanted to fuck me held me more than this guy who supposedly cared about me. That shit just made me realized I deserve better. I could see myself fucking Rob because I don't have an emotional attachment to him like I do David. Granted I get worried I could develop one because I do like him as a person but see going into it I KNOW he doesn't want anything like that from me and its like ok cool. David never said that to me and he's a piece of shit for it.
So yeah that's where I am. Fuck David. If he pops back up- which i kinda doubt he will at this point because maybe he's butthurt I haven't been up his ass but he's been acting different and I'm not about that shit. So I'm suppose to be up your ass because now you wanna fuck me? Nah. I'm just pussy to him, as much as that shit fucking hurts its true and I can't be just pussy to someone I have feelings for, thank you fucking NEXT.
As for Rob, well I think I CAN be just pussy in that situation because there was never anything else there. So I guess I'll play new years out and see what happens but I kinda low key hope we hookup again. Jena kinda wanted us to which I found so funny LOL. Her and Brandon's reaction was so chill I was like oh okay I didn't see that coming. I was SOOO awkward the next day, I thought they heard us for sure. When I went into Jenas room she was like 'Rob was really drunk last night' and I was just like 'yeahhh' super awkward and she was like 'did you see him this morning?' and I was like 'um yeaaaahhhh' and then turned around awkward and she was like 'what?' and I was like 'ummm yeah we kinda hooked up' I thought she was gonna freak or Brandon was and she was like 'I knew it' they were super chill about it and I was like 'oh okay why was I anxious about that?' lol She was asking me if i would hookup with Rob again for new years and she like wanted me to for my birthday LOL I thought that was funny and sweet. I think because she knew I was like still keeping david around because the sex was so good she thought maybe I would stop if Rob and I were fucking which I could see happening.
Like I do think we have the potential to have some really good sex so I guess I would like to see where that goes but I don't wanna make it weird and be like 'Hi I wanna fuck again' but then again he would probably appreciate that straight forward approach, he kept making it feel like a business transaction which was kinda weird and kinda hurt my feeling a tiny bit though idk why but I guess it was that, a mutually benificial arrangement.
So yeah long story short. Done with David, if he hits me up idk how i'm gonna handle it but I 85 percent don't think he will bit if he does maybe I'll just be short and he'll get the message. I don't think I need closure for once, I think I've gotten about all I can get out of trying to get 'closure' with him. I think I can rest ok knowing thats it, he will never give me what I need and you know what? I'm ok with it. I don't need to block him, I get it and I can move on with myself.
I am going to get back to the gym and my fitness/weight loss. I was so so so good with it last year and partially because of David so I'm going to use that feeling to push myself again and get back where I was. That's going to be my new focus for the next few months. Back to pre holiday weight and below. That's where my energy should go and I'm happy about it because its focused on something positive for ME. As for Rob we'll see but again I'm focusing on ME in 2019. No guys, just me.
Also side not but I've been dreaming of Mike which idk if its weird or not. Part of me wanted to reach out to him but I think it might have just been bc i was in a vulnerable place with the David shit, like when I was in Boston I was so close to texting him. I'm glad I didn't but I still kinda toy with the idea of it sometimes tbh. Maybe it is just me wanting attention. idk i can't help but feel like maybe a friendship w him would be ok but I know it woudn't and I'm just feeling vulnerable and emotional and he's the last person I need to add to the mix, plus I think hes a bat shit crazy christian now so I'm all set.
Wow my life is a fucking mess but I feel kinda better now that I vented!