2018-11-23 - 4:36 p.m.
Man where do I even start? I feel like I've only ever made entries on here about Mike so this is new. Well actually there is a Mike component to this story but really its about David. That's truly why I'm here.
I guess I should start off by saying I'm really hurt. Like really really hurt. So let me back track here. David and I have 'talked; for almost two years now. It's crazy to think that. We met on Wooplus, a terrible dating app for plus size woman. I liked him so much from the very beginning, in retrospect I know it was very one sided but hell our relationship has probably always been more one sided.
So things escelated fast between us, I mean texting non stop. I liked him so so much. It was the first time I liked someone that much since Mike. I couldn't believe it. And then I felt a distance from him and honestly with me, as soon as I feel like that from someone I go into survival mode and shut down. I was short with him when he didn't text me for a while but to be fair it felt like he went from hot to cold super fast. But that was it. And we lost touch. And I was hurt, even though I knew I shouldn't be because like he was just some dude who lived an hour and a half from me that I had never met.
Fast forward like 5 months. It just so happened I was planning to move- to right by where he lived. We had talked about Connecticut before, David and I. I didn't know much about the area but to be honest he was the reason I began researching it. Part of me feels crazy to admit that. And to admit that there was a tiny piece of me that was like 'Maybe if you move there you'll talk again, or run into him' but I let it be. So I decided to look on Okcupid to see what the local dating scene was like there before I moved. When I came across him I froze. But I swiped right, so did he and so we began talking again. Part of me was so happy and excited. But also skeptical.
When I finally moved in October he and I had been talking all the time. I was already super attached again, big fucking surprise. So then the first week I moved there, legit 3 days later we went for a drink. I was so nervous, I had all these butterflies. I can honestly not pass that place- Oak Haven- without thinking of him to this day. But anyway we messed around in his car and that was it. Legit felt like after that bam he went quite on me again. and I was annoyed, and frustrated and upset. So in November I basically told him this was it, we had a whole fight. Stopped talking, started talking again and then right before Christmas I had had enough and blocked him.
Blocking him was NEVER about him. Its always been about me. When I block him I feel powerful, I feel like okay I can finally move on with my life. Its helpful for me. I stupidly think I unblocked him at some point and a text of his came through. But I didn't reply. Then he messaged me on Okcupid like 'Hey my texts aren't going through' eventually he got the hint and asked me if he did something wrong. I didn't even want to go down that road because I felt like he wasn't gonna care, I was gonna get an 'ok best of luck text' and that was gonna hurt move. Against my better judgement I did reply on OKC. I poured my heart out and legit that was exactly what happened. A 'ok good luck' text. That shit fucking HURT. Like A LOT. Then I cursed him out before blocking and that was that or so I thought.
I'm somewhat grateful for that moment because right after that I was really depressed, I mean really bad. I was the heaviest I had been in a long time. When I finally got home is when I decided to kick my ass into gear, join the gym and get on my weight loss track and lost 70lbs this year. Not sure if I would have got there had that not happened, hopefully I can channel that again.
Anyway fast forward to late June. There I am on Bumble and BAM who do I see? David. I was hit with so much anxiety. I debated about swipping right for hours. And I did, like an idiot. We started talking again and I couldn't believe it. He said things to me that make it hard to forget- how I take his breath away when he sees me, how he didn't want to let me slip away again, how I was special, how all he wanted to do was make me happy.
Granted I wondered how much of that was sexual. Or relationship progressed into something very sexual that I never meant for it to become but I was honestly so attracted to him it was hard not to. Him being submissive and me taking the lead too was such a surprise to me, something I never expected but it was intense and amazing. So when we started talking again it of course got sexual real fast. The sex was also amazing. That first time we were together was fucking explainable. I came so much. But it was also because I had feelings for him.
But after that it fell apart yet again. There he went being distant again, it just felt like dealing with two different people. I really did try to ask him about it that time and he blew me off with some shitty answer, didn't text me back for hours. I was beyond hurt. So I blocked again. That time felt really final. And I really wish I didn't unblock.
Fast forward almost 4 months. I don't know what made me unblock him. Honestly I fucking missed him a lot and I felt like an idiot for it. I had to pretend like I didn't, like I was fine, like I wasn't hurt. When you break up with someone its okay for you to mourn the loss of a relationship but when you're not with someone you feel fucking stupid crying about someone. So I kept that shit in, to myself. For months. But I would think of him all the damn time. I was in an uber when I came back from Florida, legit a week before said incident- and there was a song that kept saying David over and over and I almost lost my shit at 1am in an uber. I felt so dumb.
I would think of him all the time, play out imaginary situations in my head, imagine running into him. I wondered if he moved, he was suppose to move to New York at the end of the year. Part of me was sad but part of me was glad because I knew we could never be.
I don't know what made me unblock him. I guess he had been on my mind- not different from the norm- but I was like 'you know what its been months it doesn't matter now, its petty to keep him blocked' so I unblocked and low and behind he texted me.
We actually I should back track. So I actually brought Mike up earlier that day which was strange, I hadn't spoken about him in a while. I looked at my phone that night, checked Plentoffish like I always do and almost fell over when I saw Mike sent me a message. The timing was insanely weird. Basically his message appologized for things, he talked about his new found christianity which was so insane to me. I was nice but short and it seemed like he wanted to keep talking, establish a conversation and I wasn't biting.
I thought about it that night so much, it was so strange to me. Should I keep talking to him? He gave me his number, should I text? I didn't. Then the next day as I'm mulling things over- BAM David texts me. I don't even know man the timing was just so odd like what? But was almost as if the david shit was done for a reason because for the first time like EVER I can honestly say hearing from Mike didn't phase me and I feel like I finally fully am over him, over it and have gotten closure, something I never ever thought would happen.
The David texts were so bizzare. He wanted to know if he was blocked, said he was confused because he thought things were going well then I blocked him. WHAT?????? you thought things were going well??? I'm sorry but are we on the same planet?? It legit felt like you didn't care at all.
He said he was hurt- it felt like he didn't give a shit. I don't understand. He said all these things that made my stomach drop. Begged to see me, told me he wanted the real thing this time, no games, he wanted me. Said he was confused in the past but not any longer, that he couldn't let me slip away again.
So I believed him, I gave him a chance to explain. He was so sincere, I believed him. Told me it always came back to me- i couldn't believe it. I never expected to hear these things from him. So there we were, I let him back in. It felt different- for like 1 day. We fucked because well thats what we do. And then saw each other once more after that.
Then bam. Distant again. I felt fucking dumb, and hurt. If you tell someone you feel things for them it makes sense to want to fucking talk to them, treat them like they matter. It hurt a lot that he couldn't even include me in his life, in his weekend plans. Is he lying to me just for the sex?? I don't get it, I'm sure he doesn't have a problem getting girls, so WHY are you doing this to someone who wants more?? If all you want is sex legit go on Tinder. I'm hurt. again. and I feel so dumb.
I beleived him because he told me he was seeing a therapist, on meds, like I felt like that was a valid reason and god knows I've had my own issues with mental illness so I felt like it was fair to give him a shot. Jokes on me. I confronted him and he did the same thing he did so many times before, acted avasive. like he didn't care, super cold. Didn't even wish me happy Thanksgiving.
So this is it. I'm done again. I feel like I should just block again. I'm trying to tell myself I don't need to, that I can get by with just moving on but low key I feel im doing that because I want him to text me again and I want him to come around. I'm just tired to him playing with my heart. I know Im in love with him and it hurts.
He is never ever gonna give me what I want, even if he did come around, even if we were in a relationship, I'm never gonna get anything from him. I would rather be alone. Theres a chance I could be pregnant but I'll cross that bridge when I get there I guess. I KNOW I don't want that or need that but there is a tiny little part of me that kind of does but I know KNOW KNOW that would be awful. IDK. I think its more just because I'm gonna be 30 and you know theres all this pressure on you and blah blah and my maternal instincts. But I know that would be an AWFUL idea.
I just have to wait and see- hopefully plan B worked.The last thing I need is to be pregnant by some fuck boy who can't commit.
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