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2017-05-29 - 11:34 p.m.

Oh and I almost forgot the worst thing- well not worst but its like irony could you fucking NOT?!

I was like 'I know I'll watch a movie to get my mind off of this' surely that will work. I get all the way into this movie, I'm distracted, its going good then BAM. FUCKING BAM. A major plot point in the movie has to do with his town. Are you fucking kidding me?? I didn't see that coming at all! Good twist, bad timing. So then the anxiety came back and there I was obsessing over things again UGH.

I just cant take this. I don't even wanna date anymore. I don't know man. Maybe I should just go have lots of sex again but man I don't even wanna do that. I just wanna feel happy again. REALLY happy. Happiness I haven't felt in SO long. I think the problem is I associate HIM with that happiness, and well a lot of it was. I wish I could build a time machine and just go back to those happy feelings. UGH.

I keep hearing that the only way to get rid of an obsession, an addition, an attachment like this is so fall in love with someone else and I've been trying to for years and I can't find someone who loves me like that :( that's probably what is comes down to. I'm just so broken inside.

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