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2009-11-21 - 5:52 p.m.

Oh man is my life complicated right now. Where the hell do I start? Things just seem to get more and more complicated. So lets start with the fact that I have briefly decided to do some BBW modeling. Now it's nothing hardcore or anything, just underwear stuff and I only did 2 sets so far for the Big Cuties site. I maybe should have thought it through a little more, but you know what I liked it and I don't even care. I just wish I wasn't so scared to admit it, but anyway....not even the big part of this drama. So I hadn't told many people about it- actually just some of my BBW Bash friends know- Krystal, Michelle and Mary- and some people I was at the Bash with- and just Steven. But anyway- there is so much more to this, but that is just the start.

So....I started getting really into talking to guys online who were in the BBW/FA community. I guess I was kind of like a kid in a candy store because for SO long I didn't even think there were men who were attracted to big woman, who I would actually be attracted to as well, but after realizing there were, well I talked to lots and lots of different guys. So there was this guy I met on this website called Fantasy Feeder. It was kind of a website for people who wanted to gain weight and men who liked that. I didn't know that when I signed up, but that isn't something I'm interested in anyway, but I talked to some guys on here anyway. So anyway- I started talking to this guy named Matt on there. We IMed and he seemed nice. He said he wasn't into that feeding fetish either so I was like 'okay this is cool, he seems normal' then we talked on the phone, and I thought he was nice. We had a nice chat, and he basically told me to hold on and after like 10 mins on hold I hung up. Then he IMed me and told me he was on the phone with his mom so I was like okay call when when ur done- its okay, and yeah never heard from him. I was annoyed and a little hurt but it was like- what ever, doesn't even matter and I let it go.

So....flash forward to Halloween. BBW dance in Massachusetts. First I had SUCH a fun time there. Everyone was so nice. I enjoyed it. It was a little awkard because there was this guy I talked to named Brett briefly from fantasy feeder- and he expressed his desire in feeding me, and me gaining weight and I basicly told him I wasn't into that, and I KNOW he wanted to hook up with me, but Jesus he wouldn't leave me alone lol. He was really nice and everything, but I know he just wanted to hook up and I didn't want that. I'm not like that. But he basically asked me to leave my room mate and either go to our room while she was busy, or go back to his place with him and I was really nice about it and was like...'No I'm sorry, I can't do that." Or what ever. So yeah didn't happen. And anyway....while I was there, I was looking around and I spotted this guy I used to talk to I would say 5 years ago from Myspace and my stomach literally dropped. I used to have SUCH a crush on him back in the day. He was so sweet and I liked him so much, he was one of the first guys I ever talked to that made me feel special and good about myself and for a 15 year old girl struggling with self identity that's crucial. So to see him again after all these years was so weird. I SO badly wanted to go up to him and be like 'Hi!' but I doubted he would remember me- so I didn't. Anyway- after the dance I went home, and that week I looked for him on Myspace, and I sent him a friend request. Well he messaged me and was like 'Hey beautiful' which is what he used to call me- and it just brought all those feeling back that I haven't felt in years and I was like OMG Robin get a hold of yourself!!

So he was like 'Long time no talk' and I was like 'I know!' and I told him I saw him at the Halloween dance, and he goes 'OMG that was you? OMG I knew it! and I was just SO surprised he remembered me! I couldn't believe it! It made me SO happy though! I know its sad and pathetic lol. But yeah so we got to talking the passed few weeks and I just can't help myself- every time we talk I smile. I think I need help because its just bad bad bad. He was one of the first guys I really liked and I think its just that I've kind of wanted him all these years- it crazy, and ridiculous and irrational but I really do think I have feeling for him. So we've been talking, and he just makes me smile so much, but I DO KNOW that he has a lot of other girls that like him. I see them ALL over his page, and it frustrates me and i get jealous, even though I have NO right to be because he's not my boyfriend, but I do. And I get mad at myself like 'Are you fucking dumb? why are you getting so attached to him?' I do have a voice inside me that tells me that he probably tells ALL the girls they are beautiful and the same stuff he tells me, but I still can't help it. I just like him so much. But I do kind of wonder if he's playing me. IDK. So I've been promising I would go to another dance soon and we kind of have plans to meet up when I do. Now I don't know EXACTLY what that intails, I do know he's said he wants to kiss me, and hold me, and cuddle with me and its stuff like that that just GETS ME! He's so sweet when he wants to be to me. But I have kind of said I would kiss him and stuff- never said more then that, but IDK with the way I do feel for him. I just don't even fucking know anymore. I'm all mixed up.

So then....while I'm in the midst of these butterfly feelings for Mike (His name) I get an IM today from Matt. I didn't even know what it was at first because I hadn't spoken to him in so long, but we got to talking and I checked history on my IMs and i was like 'OHHHH THATS THE GUY!' I was still hella pissed at him and he said to me 'I want to get to know you more' and I hesitated to type back for like 10 minutes and was finally like 'I like you and you seem like an nice guy, but you basicly blew me off last time we talked so IDK' and He was all 'No, I'm sorry, I didn't' He said he lost his job, and didn't think I would like him anymore, and then he said he didn't mean not to call me back, that he got into a fight with his dad, then he lost his contacts the next day and couldn't call me. And he said he was looking for me online to tell me but I haven't been on. Which is true, I haven't been on much in a month, but still he had me on myspace and facebook. why not message me on there to appologize? IDK. It seems a little convenient.

Maybe I just want to believe he's lying because I still am mixed up about Mike. I mean I KNOW theoretically me and Mike probably won't ever be a couple. He lives in Massachuttes, which is 5 hours away, and I do feel like he's kind of a player, but I still can't help but be hung up on him. So back to Matt....he basicly appologized, and I forgave him. So we were talking and he said he didn't have me on Myspace anyway, and I realized I went on a deleting spree- which is probably why....and then he asked me' 'How do you know Big Cutie Talia' and I was like 'what?' Now this girl is a BBW model on Big Cuties. She's super nice and I met her at the Halloween dance. I said I met her there and he was like 'I saw your picture with her' So that means he was looking at my page, which means he could have messaged me and told me what happened with the phone thing, but what ever....

So anyway, he was basiclly talking to me about the BBW models and how he's glad I'm not one of them. I kind of froze. I didn't know what to do. Granted I am by no means a BIG model, but I did some guest modeling, and quite frankly may do some more, so IDK. I didn't say that, but I just don't like that he seemed judging. Maybe I am just looking for flaws, IDK. But he did seem judgmental. We then talked on the phone, and he just told me it was weird of me to be friends with BBW models and I just couldn't see why. I kept saying' they are nice girls' because I think too many people just look at them as paysite girls and THATS IT, but its not true,. He kept telling me he liked me because I was girly. He told me I was prettier then my friends- which I SO didn't know how to take. So I was like 'Thanks...I think' IDK....and that I dressed nicer then them which I also didn't know how to take. He claims he wasn't superficial but that seemed kind of superficial to me. IDK any damn more. So I mean we talked briefly and I feel like I'm kinda leading him on and I HATE when people do that, but I'm just so socially awkwardly retarded with guys because I don't date so IDK. But I kinda said we should go out and I kinda said maybe next week and now I'm like IDK....for a few reasons.

One reason being that he seems like he would judge me for doing BBW modeling. Which I don't think is cool. And then he keeps saying, like about different models 'Oh she's really big' and I'm thinking to myself- wtf is really big? I mean dude you like fat chicks, but not too fat? I feel like my pictures are decieving and I might look smaller then I am, and I feel like if he saw me he might be like 'Oh she's bigger then I thought' so IDK....I obviously don't want that. then there is the fact that I am way hung up on Mike which isn't fair to Matt. Even though I don't know what will ever come out of me and Mike, I still feel like I'm not as into him as he is into me and I don't want to fucking lead him on anymore. I mean we hung up last night and I never called him back- I said I was gonna help my mom and I never called him after that. And he called me and texted me a few times and I feel like a bitch for not getting back to him. And he called me again today and I'm like 'dude what the feck are you doing?' to myself- like I've become a crazy bitch!

And now I just talked to Mike and I said I wanted to come up for NYE but my friend Mary would I would usually ride up with is in South Carolina for NYE, and he was like 'Take the bus up' and I was like I was thinking about that because there's a disounted bus service into Boston and he said he would pick me up from the bus and I was just like awww he's so fuckingly amazingly sweet I CAN'T DEAL WITH HIM! I said I would think about it for sure. I'm just like OMG ROBIN YOU CAN'T BE THINKING ABOUT THIS CAN YOU??? But I am! I just can't help that I want to be with him. I have a few fears. I'll meet him and not like him as much as I do now, but I think I will because he just makes me feel so special- or that I'll fall for him HARD and that he is kind of playing me here and I'll end up with a broken heart.

Then there is still all the Mat stuff. If I seriously am making plans to meet Mike there is no way, in good concience I can still be talking to Mat and planning to go out with him, because I think he really likes me, and i just can't do that. I NEED SO MUCH HELP ITS NOT EVEN FUCKING FUNNY MAN!

And then in the back of my mind there is the weight loss show that I tried out for. I don't even know what to do with that. I really do want to loose weight and I think I'm afraid to get involved with an FA for that reason. They obviously like fat chicks and me loosing weight would probably end any relationship I ever had with an FA. So IDK. I'm so scare that I'll fall for Mike and then I'll get this position on this show. I mean I WANT the position on this show- somewhat- I'm torn actually. Its hard, for a lot of reasons, some not even involving FA's. One being school and it would majorly get in the way there, then there's this house. Its way small to have a camera crew here and all the underhanded dealings my family does does NOT need to be telivised thanks. So I'm obviously torn there. Then of course back to the whole daing an FA thing. I would hate to fall for Mike or even Mat and then get this and have it all end in heart ache.

I get theoretically that they wouldn't be attracted to me, but IDK. I do want this. Some days I want to loose weight, and some days I don't because I feel like I finally found a nitch, but I don't want to GAIN either and I know for a lot of FA's they want their SO's to gain and its like dude NO. I know Mat isn't like that, and Mike doesn't seem like that either. IDK. UGH I AM SO CONFLICTED ON EVERYTHING!!!! How would I even tell then I landed the role on one of these shows? IDK- I mean its a BIG stretch if I even get a role but of course its a possibility so IDK.

All I know right now is I really like Mike, and I feel like I'm leading Mat on and I don't know what to do with any of this. I need to think long and hard about stuff.

Glitterigurl

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